Hello.. These days are not going well for me. :( Maybe i just can't fall in love with anyone. I am a failure, bigbig failure.. I still feel lonely, this is my fault, I never go out. I'm always inside doing this all day. I like doing this all day, I dont even know why I do. I know he never had any romantic feelings for me, but in that split second when I flashed back to how it used to feel I felt amazing and then in that next split second it was like a mini heartbreak. All that wasted love, those tears, that torment was flushed right back and bam it hit me. I sometimes honestly feel that I will never be loved. Just a little nick where no one will ever see. But that would be a step back. I cant let myself do that again I'm starting to have those thoughts again. The thoughts about how I could kill myself. Would I actually cut myself deep enough this time. Taking all my co-codamol tablets, throwing myself in front of a car, jumping off a building and breaking my neck. It scares me sometimes how I entertain myself with these thoughts but I dont even know myself anymore. I've changed myself so much over the past year I'm starting to look in the mirror and see nothing. What I think is worse in all of this, I know that there wont be anybody to save me even if I tried anything. And i really hate that. Well I will just have to act happy outside to show my friends, I. Am. Okay. I deleted your number on my cell even though it’s silly because I memorised your number. I blocked and deleted you off msn because I know we’ll never talk to each other too. I deleted you off all these, but i think about you. Every. single. day.
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