17:50, 28.05.10

I am awake now.

I don’t know why I did those things I did.

I wasn’t sorry then.

I am now.

I am so fucking sorry.

I know it doesn’t change anything.

One word, no matter how many times said, can’t change anything.

You can’t see my heart shrivel up.

You can’t feel my sentiment.

You can’t see me dying inside.

You don’t believe me.

I don’t blame you.

I don’t forgive easily either.

I never ever forget too.

But I am all out of sorry.

We get what we deserve and

my plate is full.

Don’t you get tired of your

head stuck so far up your ass

though?

Peace.

You can hurt me, you can destory me. You think you done a good job. Yeap, you succeed. You succeed in destorying me, hurting me. But hey, let me tell you something, this game haven't end. And i won't let it end so easily too. I'll make sure i make karma fall on you one day. Yes, you may be correct, this is a game. But think again if you can play better than me. Don't badmouth me behind my back, anything just say it to my face. If you hate me, don't wish to see me, tell it straight to my face. I'll try my fucking best to avoid you. I won't cry. I won't break down infront of you. Remember? I used to be this strong, independent girl. Brave, self sufficient. But don’t you see what you’ve done to me? You’ve broken down my walls and stripped away my defenses. And I am now vulnerable and naked to the bone. But I will hold my head up high, blink away the tears and say goodbye.

Love

It’s sad when you realise that love doesn’t take away your pain or heal your wounds or salve your conscience or assuage your guilt or save your soul. If anything, it makes a bigger mess of you because you become aware of just how empty you really are when he lets go of your hand, of how alone you really are when his arm is no longer around yours, of how broken you really are when he’s not around to fix you with his kisses, of how battered you really are when he stops rubbing your bruises away, of how incomplete and disjointed and fragmented and scattered you are. If anything, it highlights your flaws and blemishes and showcases your tarnishes and defects because you’ve always thought yourself unloveable. But someone comes along and brings you down to your knees with the rapid firing of his machine heart and the impenetrable firewall mechanisms of your own heart are torn down and trampled upon and he tells you that he loves you, despite of, no, because of your flaws and blemishes and tarnishes and defects and it’s the end of your banal existence.

But you sillily think that with love’s huzzah and pizzaz and splendour and all that fucking jazz, you’ll become a new person, happier and freer, and your steps will be quicker and your head will be lighter and your smile will be brighter and your heart will beat faster and your voice will be louder and you will sparkle and shine and sing and dance. And while of that does happen, it doesn’t negate the fact that when the spotlights dim and the curtains close and the audience leaves and it’s just you and the dark and your demons, you’re still broken inside.

Falling in love is lovely. It’s natural and easy and you find yourself falling in love with him every single day of your life and it gives you such a rush, such a high and rapids are gushing inside of you and the most powerful monsoons are raining down on you the most beautiful torrential rains and giant craters of the grand canyon are ensconced in the cavities of your pulsating heart. And it brings with it the promise of a life less solitary, an existence less dreary, a future less weary, and carnal pleasures and wicked fantasies and perverse depravity, and playful banter and idyllic chatter and serious discussions and loud angry words and hisses and rude glares and muttered curses and veiled insults and crude profanities and contenment and acceptance and security and growth and forever.

But you’re a free spirit and something of an extremist and the thought of giving all of yourself to one single entity for the rest of eternity frightens you and nauseates you when there’s so little of you left and even though you know, deep within the secret crevices of your broken heart, that you have found the one who will stand by your side and walk baby steps with you for as long as it takes until you stumble upon yourself, you will fight him for the rest of your life or at least until you’ve come into your own, until you’ve embraced your own immortality, until you’ve come to terms with the limitations of your humanity, until you’ve learned to love the fucking riot of a mess you are, until you’ve forgiven yourself, until you’ve saved yourself, until you’ve loved yourself.

Until then, you’ll love him the only way you know how, with all of yourself, as broken a mess as you are, because you’ve realised that love doesn’t heal you or save you or rescue you or fix you. It accepts you and nurtures you and cocoons you and hugs you tight and holds your hand and never lets go and waits until you’re ready to take the plunge. It just loves you and makes all your pain a little bit more bearable.

— penguinprostitution

You don’t care do you?

Hello earthlinggggs! Well, i went out with Shirley, Jingxuan and Jingying(Jingxuan's sister).(: Met up with Jingxuan and Jingying at bustop then bused to Westmall, then met up with Shirley at mrt, trained to Clementi. Searched for Taxi stand. Asked the drivers if they knew how to go the place we wanted to go. But all of them didn't know. .___. Okay, then finally one driver knew, then we hop in. Then reaching, i remember my father brought me to my aunt's house, that road is turn left. I called the driver to turn left, but end up is wrong! Ohno. :X Then called my aunt, she told the driver the way, then reached, the fee was $8.70. But he took $7.. :O Reached, then went to the entertainment room. From 2pm to 4pm, singsingsing. Till the time ended, then uncle drove us to Westmall, then he headed to my grandmother house.
Reached Westmall, we went to mrt. We trained to ChoaChuKang Interchange. Then we sat LRT!! The feeling was like on those kind of children's train at theme parks! Memories!(: We sat LRT from ChoaChuKang to ChoaChuKang! Hahahahaa. Quite lame but still fun! I like lrt.(: After that, we sat 188 from ChoaChuKang to HarbourFont! Heheh, then went to eat KFC, after that walked walk around VivoCity, took some pictures too, pictures will be uploaded. Then damn fun we tried to take a pic of all of us, then put self timer mah, but end up a woman walked past, just right the pic was he leg!! She said 'sorry ah'. We saw the picture then laugh like mad. xD Then walked to pet shop, saw some cute little pets. :D Yeah then after that bused back home. Saw Cheryl on bus. Hahaha.

 And yeah, tomorrow there's school. Weekends just ended like that!! But school holidays coming soon too. ^_^ Came to think of it, i prefer being in school. Seriously i have really nothing to do at home!! :( I only can use lappy~ But nothing to play leyy. I rather go out everyday. But i can't, my parents dont allow!! I can go out for like two or three times a week? Anyway, i hope the june class outing will be a success!! Damndamn looking forward to it. (:
Oh yeah, Mrs Loh is leaving BBSS soon.. :'( Seriously not only me, even the whole class can't bear her to leave too. Yeah i admit, i do hate her. I hate her for being too strict. Sometimes when she come to the class, the first thing she do is to check our socks, hair, skirts. I really don't like this. She want us to adjust our socks, skirts and clip up our hair before sitting down. There's one time when some of the people in class didnt complete her homework. Those who didn't do need to stand up and complete it. And if they didn't complete, she won't start the lesson. I was one of them who didn't complete it. I stood up, i tried to complete my homework, but end up when everyone had done finish, i haven't. She asked me to get out of the classroom, then she continued teaching. And outside the classroom i'm still trying to complete my homework when she doesn't even gives a fuck. But i know.. She did all these is not to pinpoint me or whatsoever. But.. to let me know that i have to complete her homework. I know she did all these are for my own good. 20th May, friday. She assigned us to do Quick writing, the title was, Two gifts i would like to receive. Jiajun was asked to said his wishes. He said.. he would like to receive is another capable teacher like Mrs Loh. Although sometimes she was strict and mean, she's still a good teacher. She taught us alot of things. While jiajun was saying, i saw Mrs loh wiped her tears away. She may not seem like crying.. But i saw her wiping her tears away. She can't bear to leave BBSS too isn't it. But, she had to. She had reach the retire age. She needs to rest. Although i can't bear her too. But i hope, after the days of retiring, she can enjoy her life and live till very old. (: Mrsloh! I don't know if there'll be a chance of you reading this, but there's one thing i want to tell you, is to takecare of yourself wherever you are! (: 
Ms Ngiam too. Although she didn't teach us, i know she's a good teacher. Takecare too. (: Last year, there was other teacher left us too, yeap, i do miss them. I hope they fine out there. (: Okay, a long + crappy post today right? Yeahyeah. It's now 12:44am and i'm still posting.. And my msn there's only some people online. I shall go sleep now, there's school tomorrow!! Nightsss. (:

I’m losing faith in love.

Hello earthlings~ Back to posting alrdy. School was okay these few days. But i hate boring lessons. Leonard sitting behind be keep bullying me. >;( And anyway, i edited the colours of my blog. Hope it looks okay. And today is friday. Tomorrow will be weekends again. I hope i can go out tomorrow. Hopefully can. Feel like going vivo again but it's boring too. Hahaha.
Sometimes the truth hurts, it just hurts so much. But what can i do now? I rather know the hurtful truth then being lied too. But the truth hurts.. I dont want to accept the truth, but i know in the end of the day i must accept the fact. I want things I can’t have. I daydream about getting them, and before I know it, it’s time for me to go to bed. Another day wasted.
According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four legs, four arms and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them apart, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other half. I hope that my other half is out there somewhere.

How to detect liars!

A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact. If they won’t look you in the eye’s or if they look you in the eye’s while saying “I’m looking you in the eye’s, so I’m not lying.” They are probably lying. They will normally raise their voice, get defensive and will totally want to change the subject. Go with your first gut feeling that feeling is normally right.
Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.
The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you… they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation. Also, the guilty person use humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.
Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, and then stops suddenly. Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says “I love it!” when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn’t do it” instead of “I did not do it”.
If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.
Excessive gestures are important body language signs indicating lies. In a subconscious effort to enhance believability, a liar will promote his/her words with unnaturally pronounced gesturing. Also on a subconscious level, the body language serves to divert attention from the dishonest words and face.
Shifting from foot to foot is often the body language of a liar. Similarly, a liar doesn’t always keep his/her feet flat on the ground (whether standing or sitting). This body language generally falls under signs of the “flight instinct” category, which stems from fear or discomfort–both emotions that are triggered by telling lies.
A liar frequently mumbles or speaks in a lowered, monotonous tone, especially at the exact time lies are being uttered. Such modulations in speech are primarily signs that either the liar lacks confidence that the lies are believable, or that the liar feels guilty about telling the lies. From a body language standpoint, these signs are often accompanied by a lowered head and slouching shoulders.
Justification – Attempting to justify every detail with lengthy explanations . Also, the lies uses (and particularly overuses) language like “honestly,” “believe me,” “to tell the truth,” etc. S/he is almost certainly being deceptive.

Quite true! I'll try detect liars one day. ;)

I want things to be more than okay.

School was okay today. I am bored, now. Very bored. Bored bored bored. SCHOOL TOMORRRROW! Yay. I feel sleepy now. Maybe i'll sleep early today. Hehez. And my facebook is very laggy now. >< Took so long to loaddd.

If you think i neglected you all. If you think i did not treat you all as the most important ones. I have nothing to say. I don't know how to change myself. Maybe is love that made me change into like this. Even me myself noticed that i had changed alot. But there's nothing i can do. Yeah i admit all i care is 'him' but not you all. I treated him the most important than everything. I don't know why i will become like this. I changed alot this year, yeah. I tend to treat friends more important last time. But now, I changed. I know myself. No one will know me more than i know myself. I know what is happening. I know your feelings. But i can't help it, sometimes i tried to control myself but i can't. I hope you can understand. Amelia, Clarice, Jingxuan, Liangli and Shirley. I am sorry.

Tell me that we belong together.

Hello!! I'm back to posting kekeke. Today is monday! Didn't went back school for chinese because school's close! So teacher bobian lor, call us do our homeworks at home! :P Ohyeah, so slacked at home as usual.
Went out to VivoCity with Liangli just now. Walkwalk around, we promised each other to SPAM pictures! I should had brought my cam~ We took alotalot of pictures. x.x My phone memory gna gg liao la. Next time remember to bring my cam! But anyway, i tried to find my cam but i can't find too. T___T
We walkwalk around VivoCity. First went to HarbourFont Center, can't find where is VivoCity, then walkwalk finally found. We went to the last floor water there playplay, heh. We also went to the playground there. Wanted to go back home, then can't find HarbourFont Center! Cause need go back interchange take bus.
Then walkwalk finally found HarbourFont Center. x.x And yeah, uploaded pictures. Slowly see. There're more, everything at facebook. Cause i don't want to upload so much, later my blog become very laggy. I only upload some nicer ones and more interesting ones. Hehehe.

Ate dinner already at HarbourFont Center already, then went to Liangli's house awhile. Homed at 7pm plus. Fun and long day. Yawn, and tomorrow there's school! Yay, i prefer school than staying at home. Rotting. And using com all day long, like no life hor agree. Hair and attire check tomorrow! Aghhh, gna cut my nail already. Tooooodles.